Sunday, October 11, 2015

Choose Happiness   Because Really No One wants to be Friends with Eeyore
Do you realize that 70% of people at work claim to be ‘unhappy?’ Lack of happiness is a pretty broad term that (for some reason) resonates with a majority of people. Where did our happiness go? How did we lose it? I have some ideas and ways it can be found again. Here goes nothing or something!
1.       Happiness starts within you and emanates out like a beacon to others. When you start to take care of yourself, you will find these needs do not only serve you, but also take care of the group as well.
2.       In a rush to keep digging your hole to China. Why are you in this rush?  Last I checked, China is not going anywhere. Ever notice that unhappy people have no time? Their time is fleeting like sand in your hand running out into the infinite world. That mindset on time is damning. Let it go, realize that time is a social construct and that if you stop and take ‘time’ to reflect and solve your problem or be conscious of what’s in front of you will find that instead of time running out like sand time becomes that infinite space, with endless possibilities to do and see.
3.       Access your ignorance. Think about what you’re not good at and what you are good at and exploit the hell out of it.  For example, I knew absolutely nothing about software when a software failure occurred with my client. So I knew that I would not be good at evaluating the facts, however, I am good at recording them visually. As a result we had a room filled with experts on the product and I was able to organize their thoughts and together we pieced together a solution to the incident. Going into that situation if I only focused on what I didn’t know not coupled with what I did – I would have just sat silently and watched others problem solve. Next time you’re alone in a situation, think about how you can access your ignorance by asking questions or your super strengths to be more engaged. Sometimes just asking – how best can I help you all? I truly believe that most groups know what they need and look for those to step up and ask to be of service.
4.       Wait did I forget to tell you – I’m so busy! Listen, everyone has stuff. If your being busy makes you happy then by all means…keep doing it! But like they say in economics there is a point of diminishing returns. Make a list of the things you do each day – on the right list what you like and on the left the things you don’t like to do. Decide how to move all the things to the right or eliminate and take off your plate. Sometimes we focus on the things we are not good at – do those things – poor energy into those things and then become shocked when we are unhappy.  You will find if you can pour your energy into what you like it’s a symbiotic relationship and the life giving forces mean you have more energy, more time and never feel burden with the response, “but I can’t I’m just so busy” because you are doing all the things you want and need to do to make yourself (and others see point 1 again) happy!
5.       Fear of Missing Out – Is there a deep seated feeling that someone somewhere is having more fun than you? Well, given the numbers, it’s unlikely. If you can be happy in the moment you have, that would be unique. Try it this – when you are really frustrated, breathe in and out while closing your eyes. Just focus on your breathing, hear your breath and any voices in your head. Next, write down what they are saying and reflect on those voices. Then if you have more time close your eyes again, steady your breathing and pretend you are in a sacred, safe place. For me this place is Amsterdam, I close my eyes and imagine my hands are cupped around the Dutch tiny coffee cups and that I’ve just completed a great unit of work and had a life changing experience. This is my unique moment, please feel free to remember your own.
6.       Maximizing – Is another behavioral phenomenon that creates dissatisfaction is called maximizing. This involves the exhaustive search for more and more options. For example, a person looking for a job may interview with 10 companies and get 9, offers but they focus on what’s still out there or why they didn’t get 10. A Berkley study revealed that students looking for jobs that exhibited these behaviors were less likely to enjoy the option they picked than those that interviewed with only a handful of options. Options are great but just like being busy – there are diminishing returns. If you find yourself continuing to look for another option when you have at least three in front of you, it may be time to confront what’s really going on. Usually we search when we are afraid of the current situation. Write down or say out loud what it is you are afraid of happening in the current situation. You may find that there is no avoiding this fear, it cannot be abated by continuing to generate options or doing further analysis. Try to accept where you are and the options in front of you. Then decide what will best serve you in the moment.
7.       Happiness becomes my shield – List out things that you are proud of. It could be a moment in time, something someone said to you, an intangible moment or a smell, a place that I go – and have that list of happy things with you when your inner voices get negative and nasty. Read these things over and over in your mind, say them out loud or say them to a trusted friend. It may sound like this – I did something great, I graduated college and my dad told me he was so proud.
8.       Defeat your Entourage by naming it and claiming it. – Sometimes the voices in our head have exact sources from our childhood, adulthood, families, and friends. Whoever they are whatever they are whispering in your ear is the opposite of what you need to hear to move forward positively in the present moment. Defeat them with what I like to call the name game – Name it, claim it – to defeat that sad story out of the present. It would sound like this – I know that I’m disappointed that I’m having trouble with this colleague. I know that I feel disappointed because it reminds me of a friend from high school. That moment is not this moment, that sad story is in the past and I am rooted now in the present. 
9.       Remember Eeyore? Didn’t he seem lonely and sad? The real friendship focus on was Pooh and Piglet. Why was that? No one likes to be around Eeyore, his phrase, “For some reason I’m always getting forgotten…don’t worry about me go and enjoy yourself I’ll stay here and be miserable.” Piglet says to Eeyore, “I didn’t know you were here.” “That’s alright,” Eeyore said as he sat down “....no one ever does.” In contrast, Piglet says to Pooh – “If there ever comes a day when we cannot be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever. Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh” he whispered. “Yes Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you (A.A. Milne).”
10.   “There is something you must always remember…You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think (A.A.Milne).” You can never have enough good relationships as a guide, as a source of support. Even if you don’t have them around you, these types of inspirational quotes keep me motivated – what is yours? Write them on the mirror, keep them on a card, and say them out loud on your way to work.
The real power of harnessing my happiness is something I always had the key to unlock within myself. The secret is realizing that this power is within yourself. The story of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz comes immediately to mind, she traveled far and wide. Met many people and believed that to get home she needed to meet this- Wizard – The Wizard of Oz. When she got there the Wizard showed Dorothy that she always had the power to go home, it was right there, so she closed her eyes and told herself, “there’s no place like home” and suddenly she was there. Wishing you all find that same slice of home and happiness within yourself.


Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled
Eckhart Tolle in Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
Edgar Schein in  Process Consultation Revisited
A.A. Milne in Winnie the Poo

William Ury in Getting to Yes with Yourself


Saturday, September 19, 2015

Don’t be the Jerk – Why it’s Smarter and Healthier to be Positive When Faced with Adversity

Have you ever been in a meeting when there is good momentum and decisions are about to happen and then the talk all of a sudden comes to a screeching halt? When the group is on the verge of clarity it can be vulnerable to someone deciding it is best to go off on a negative diatribe.  At best, what next ensues is problem solving, maybe one person starts to ask questions and inquire and investigate the situation. At worst, the group does a collective sigh, shrugs its shoulders while looking down at their toes, hands smack to foreheads, and we become serenaded by crickets.  Secretly stewing in the pit of everyone’s stomach is the urge to leave the meeting (a form of flight) or internal disagreements (a form of fight). So people don’t usually get up and just leave, but they will opt out of their engagement by daydreaming (another form of flight). And while some start an internal dialogue of angry statements, those on the extroverted side are asking questions, or making statements in a more pointed manner (which is another version of fight) To recap, the group's fear responses, or amygdala instinctual responses are: 
- Fight a response internal or external of point dialogue; and 
- Flight another instinctual response that looks like disengagement or checking out of the moment. 

If this happens all the time and we continue to do the same thing – we cannot expect a different result - somewhere I've heard that’s the definition of insanity. I would take it a step further and say it is insanity making. One of my favorite mentors used to ask “well, how’s that working for you” And the answer is a resounding that, "it’s not."  So now what? Continue to be a Jerk or allowing Jerky behavior in your life? I would say let’s choose differently; below is a list of behaviors based in behavioral science and research that has proven to get different results. So let’s review:  

  • Respect others even when they don’t respect you. When you recognize others with respect, you are recognizing their humanism, as well as your own. If you lead with respect it’s likely to be returned to you.
  • Trust yourself and give trust to others. Do not be ‘overly trusting’ - no one likes a sucker. But you have to give trust to get trust says Stephen Covey. He says trust starts within yourself and then emanates outward to others like a pebble creating waves in a pond.
  • Give to others. In conflict the mindset tends toward scarcity, and to lead with what you need from someone else. Instead you can choose to think of what you can give. Eckhart Tolle says this “The fact is: Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world." Then again he challenges us by saying, “Whatever it is you think people are withholding from you- praise, appreciation, loving care - give it to them. Ask yourself, how can I be of service to this person?”
  • Get curious by asking better questions. Our increasingly diverse and complex world demands we lead with questions rather than assertions for understanding.
  • Be Brave. Think critically and use smart forums to be heard. These can be in person meetings, pick up the phone and prepare before a meeting, and opt to go to lunch. In the 21st century it’s even more important to "just show up" when 70% of communication is nonverbal.
  • Be Present. So much of work is beyond showing up. How can you ask questions or not project/transfer when you’ve got your stuff weighing you down? Eckhart Tolle posits that, “Human beings are meant to evolve into conscious beings, and those who don't will suffer the consequences of their unconsciousness."
  • Be Grateful. Have you ever noticed how many good things in the day go right? If you could stop and be grateful for the simple things it might make the bad ones seem out numbered.
  • Get Perspective. As a young consultant working into the night, I had a manager say, “Go home. No one died today,” whatever the big bad thing that happened it’s likely that no one died. In fact only a little bit of your ego died. Again, look on the bright side, the more you can wash away your ego the better. Think of this incident as the ability to wash that ego away. Eckhart Tolle said to Oprah, “Every morning I wake up and pour milk on my ego to wash it down with my cereal.” That doesn’t mean we don’t recognize hardship or struggle or even tragedies. But there is a great difference between recognition, acknowledgement and getting burdened by the blame drain.
  • Recognize and appreciate. Lead with appreciating how much people care by acknowledging the emotion in the room.  Then you can say how this energy can be used to move forward with a collective goal. 
  • Great Women and Men suffer greatly.  Every battle helps shine the shield. Upon reflection, next time you will learn to see the red flags and respond differently.
  • You have Options so Learn to Choose Better. You can only be in control of yourself. You have a choice in how you feel and act - so do they- that’s it. So when you’re stuck decide to choose better next time.
  • Re-Frame is the name of the game. Positivism is generative and it’s a symbiotic relationship; meaning one feeds the other for its life giving forces. Ever notice that when you look on the bright side you have more options? Again, notice that when you are discovering versus problem solving it feels better? Try dreaming and discovering through questions what everyone needs instead of diagnosing and telling people what's wrong.
  • Avoid the Blame Game Drain. When we blame we lose out on the chance to choose and give away our power to change the situation ourselves from within. We lose out on the chance to reflect on our actions and the actions of others. Without reflection and choice we lose out on our own growth. When we blame it is only countered by another, and the cycle continues. Instead ask yourself, what could I have done differently to change the situation? What is going on with me and the group today that we are in need of this moment? What could really the situation? Have I asked how others feel about what is being said? Has what is being said been re-stated for everyone to hear and see?
  • Know what you need and ask for help. Sometimes the hardest thing is to admit that you don’t know something and need help. Learn to form those statements, role play in a safe place and then try it out when you need it. For example, “Tony, I see that you are asking about Tonya’s performance, and I must admit that I could use your help in guiding this employee to perform better. Can you help me with this need?” Better is to ask for yourself, "You know I was hoping you would ask about that task, I could use your help or insight on how best to move forward."
  • For more on fear responses I recommend reading articles by Enrique Zaldivar.
  • For more on building trust I recommend the Speed of Trust by Stephen Covey.
  • For information on building helping relationships and leading with inquiry I recommend Ed Schein's The Art of Humble Inquiry ; What is process consultation? and Process Consultation Revisited.
  • For learning to become aware of our choices I recommend Beverly Patwell and Eddie Seashore's The Choice Awareness Model.
  • For understanding more about the ego and your purpose I would offer Eckhart Tolle's Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.
  • For a wonderful process on negotiation that I see as learning to understand yourself I would recommend Getting to Yes With Yourself by William Ury.

So again, it’s tempting to fall into the trap of being the Jerk because our fight and flight instinctual responses. My offer to you is that next time you find yourself in that situation stop and think through a different response based on the behaviors listed above. I believe these will help you to to be a bigger person, or at least bigger than our big dumb Neanderthal instinctive responses and look on the positive side.