Don’t be the Jerk – Why it’s Smarter and Healthier to be Positive When Faced with Adversity

Have you ever been in a meeting when there is good momentum and decisions are about to happen and then the talk all of a sudden comes to a screeching halt? When the group is on the verge of clarity it can be vulnerable to someone deciding it is best to go off on a negative diatribe.  At best, what next ensues is problem solving, maybe one person starts to ask questions and inquire and investigate the situation. At worst, the group does a collective sigh, shrugs its shoulders while looking down at their toes, hands smack to foreheads, and we become serenaded by crickets.  Secretly stewing in the pit of everyone’s stomach is the urge to leave the meeting (a form of flight) or internal disagreements (a form of fight). So people don’t usually get up and just leave, but they will opt out of their engagement by daydreaming (another form of flight). And while some start an internal dialogue of angry statements, those on the extroverted side are asking questions, or making statements in a more pointed manner (which is another version of fight) To recap, the group's fear responses, or amygdala instinctual responses are: 
- Fight a response internal or external of point dialogue; and 
- Flight another instinctual response that looks like disengagement or checking out of the moment. 

If this happens all the time and we continue to do the same thing – we cannot expect a different result - somewhere I've heard that’s the definition of insanity. I would take it a step further and say it is insanity making. One of my favorite mentors used to ask “well, how’s that working for you” And the answer is a resounding that, "it’s not."  So now what? Continue to be a Jerk or allowing Jerky behavior in your life? I would say let’s choose differently; below is a list of behaviors based in behavioral science and research that has proven to get different results. So let’s review:  

• Respect others even when they don’t respect you. When you recognize others with respect, you are recognizing their humanism, as well as your own. If you lead with respect it’s likely to be returned to you.

• Trust yourself and give trust to others. Do not be ‘overly trusting’ - no one likes a sucker. But you have to give trust to get trust says Stephen Covey. He says trust starts within yourself and then emanates outward to others like a pebble creating waves in a pond.

• Give to others. In conflict the mindset tends toward scarcity, and to lead with what you need from someone else. Instead you can choose to think of what you can give. Eckhart Tolle says this “The fact is: Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world." Then again he challenges us by saying, “Whatever it is you think people are withholding from you- praise, appreciation, loving care - give it to them. Ask yourself, how can I be of service to this person?”

• Get curious by asking better questions. Our increasingly diverse and complex world demands we lead with questions rather than assertions for understanding.

• Be Brave. Think critically and use smart forums to be heard. These can be in person meetings, pick up the phone and prepare before a meeting, and opt to go to lunch. In the 21st century it’s even more important to "just show up" when 70% of communication is nonverbal.

• Be Present. So much of work is beyond showing up. How can you ask questions or not project/transfer when you’ve got your stuff weighing you down? Eckhart Tolle posits that, “Human beings are meant to evolve into conscious beings, and those who don't will suffer the consequences of their unconsciousness."

• Be Grateful. Have you ever noticed how many good things in the day go right? If you could stop and be grateful for the simple things it might make the bad ones seem out numbered.

• Get Perspective. As a young consultant working into the night, I had a manager say, “Go home. No one died today,” whatever the big bad thing that happened it’s likely that no one died. In fact only a little bit of your ego died. Again, look on the bright side, the more you can wash away your ego the better. Think of this incident as the ability to wash that ego away. Eckhart Tolle said to Oprah, “Every morning I wake up and pour milk on my ego to wash it down with my cereal.” That doesn’t mean we don’t recognize hardship or struggle or even tragedies. But there is a great difference between recognition, acknowledgement and getting burdened by the blame drain.

• Recognize and appreciate. Lead with appreciating how much people care by acknowledging the emotion in the room.  Then you can say how this energy can be used to move forward with a collective goal. 

• Great Women and Men suffer greatly.  Every battle helps shine the shield. Upon reflection, next time you will learn to see the red flags and respond differently.

• You have Options so Learn to Choose Better. You can only be in control of yourself. You have a choice in how you feel and act - so do they- that’s it. So when you’re stuck decide to choose better next time.

• Re-Frame is the name of the game. Positivism is generative and it’s a symbiotic relationship; meaning one feeds the other for its life giving forces. Ever notice that when you look on the bright side you have more options? Again, notice that when you are discovering versus problem solving it feels better? Try dreaming and discovering through questions what everyone needs instead of diagnosing and telling people what's wrong.

• Avoid the Blame Game Drain. When we blame we lose out on the chance to choose and give away our power to change the situation ourselves from within. We lose out on the chance to reflect on our actions and the actions of others. Without reflection and choice we lose out on our own growth. When we blame it is only countered by another, and the cycle continues. Instead ask yourself, what could I have done differently to change the situation? What is going on with me and the group today that we are in need of this moment? What could really the situation? Have I asked how others feel about what is being said? Has what is being said been re-stated for everyone to hear and see?

• Know what you need and ask for help. Sometimes the hardest thing is to admit that you don’t know something and need help. Learn to form those statements, role play in a safe place and then try it out when you need it. For example, “Tony, I see that you are asking about Tonya’s performance, and I must admit that I could use your help in guiding this employee to perform better. Can you help me with this need?” Better is to ask for yourself, "You know I was hoping you would ask about that task, I could use your help or insight on how best to move forward."

• For more on fear responses I recommend reading articles by Enrique Zaldivar.

• For more on building trust I recommend the Speed of Trust by Stephen Covey.

• For information on building helping relationships and leading with inquiry I recommend Ed Schein's The Art of Humble Inquiry ; What is process consultation? and Process Consultation Revisited.

• For learning to become aware of our choices I recommend Beverly Patwell and Eddie Seashore's The Choice Awareness Model.

• For understanding more about the ego and your purpose I would offer Eckhart Tolle's Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

• For a wonderful process on negotiation that I see as learning to understand yourself I would recommend Getting to Yes With Yourself by William Ury.

So again, it’s tempting to fall into the trap of being the Jerk because our fight and flight instinctual responses. My offer to you is that next time you find yourself in that situation stop and think through a different response based on the behaviors listed above. I believe these will help you to to be a bigger person, or at least bigger than our big dumb Neanderthal instinctive responses and look on the positive side.